Of Shoulds and Should Nots

Sometimes I feel misplaced
Like my old wedding ring
Or my high school diploma
I know I'm around here somewhere but I just can't find myself

When I am painting, my mind wanders
It races down dead end tracks
Why didn't I take better care of my teeth?
Why didn't I find a way to finish college even when my parents threw up roadblocks
Why did I give up on my marriage
I should have done this
I should have done that

I have to yell at my mind to get back on track
And just paint
First the hyacinth
Then the pink
Then the white
Thinning the paint and carefully outlining

Arguing with myself over which shape comes next

Turning the canvas over to see if I can reach areas that were messy before
Swearing when the brush doesn't cooperate
Or my hands cramp up
Painting faster, racing the setting sun

Shushing the guilt that keeps telling me
'You should be doing dishes'
'You should be earning money'
'You should get another car'
'You should be self sufficient'
Evidently a nag lives inside my head

I counter my arguments with other arguments
I play devil's advocate with myself
What if Picasso gave up on art and flipped burgers instead?
What if no one had heard of Van Gogh because his family
Dropped the ball?
How many artists have been utterly forgotten because no one marketed their work
After they died?

People walk by and comment
"oh how fun. Painting must be so relaxing"

Death is relaxing. At least it stops the noise in a person's head.